Should I End it NOw

Should I End it NOw
December 11th, 2007 by markie990

Under the silent slumber of the city, I lay awake. Beneath me are the promises of a brighter future that went out of hand. The sound of the moving vehicles are very audible, perhaps too much for me too bear. The place where I lie is very cold, so cold. Cold as the hollow space that surrounds me.

Maybe I should end the crackling of the ember that still remains, the ember they call hope. I won’t wait anymore, for it must be soon.

Once again, I lay awake in the cold dark night, for what seemed to be a nightmare from my childhood, yet to my utmost horror, the same nightmare that still lingers on me up to this time. I have always wanted to escape this life, a life of sorrow, a life of beating and a life of nothing but the total emptiness that always engulf me from time to time. I never wanted this, but it always occurs in my mind. I can’t help it; maybe it’s my only option.

Childhood brings me back to my sad plight of escape. An escape from the world’s harsh reality in which no one could accept me even though I try my best. I loved everyone and everything deeply, even the pristine waters that turns to puddles of mud and even the blind man begging for money. I respected life’s way of living, yet, I think that life itself is trying to reject me. I am a believer- a believer of everything, believing in everything without a doubt. No one could stain my faith to my fellowmen, but my fellowmen are the ones that stain my very reason for living.
My dignity is being rubbed out by the very persons that surround me, trying to cradle me to oblivion. I plea for help, but they render me mute every time I do so. They hurt my very soul, and make me cry from the inside, but they never seem to bother and even laugh at me in a mocking tone. Every time they do, I wish I was deaf, but I was never one, they made me hear my desperate cries for escape. They threaten my very existence when I try to pursue my supposedly quiet life.
I shed tears of unknown reasons. They always kept an eye out for me, thinking that I would not do as they say, but I won’t, I was tied to the contract that threatens my whole-being.

Time after time, when I am out of my parents’ eyes, they take me forcefully, I couldn’t do anything, they point dangerous things at me, and the things they say would easily cut my thread of life. I was crying again, but they didn’t bother. They talked in hushed voices, in my little mind, they like were pirates trying to kidnap the princess, but this is not a typical fairy tale, this is reality. They arrived at a house, now they were delirious, while I was in the verge of shouting for help, but I still couldn’t do anything, again, I was stained by the very persons that surround me.

I despised my childhood! I never wanted that childhood of mine. If I were given a choice, I could’ve wished I was never a child. I cried over my stained childhood, cried over my abused childhood, cried over everything. I never learned to forgive them, the people who threatened my very existence. They are the reason why I still suffer. They are the reason why my fellowmen judged me harshly.

I want to end my life now, I want to end the tears flowing through my eyes everytime I remember the disappointment. I want to be free from the bondage that makes me a prisoner to my fate.
But, do I really want to end it?

Seeing everyone around me right now, I think of their story that is very similar to mine. Yes, they cried once in a while, but that never stopped them in believing in life. They never doubted their existence, and they always said that God has plans for them. I had never realized that everything they said made the biggest sense, I have always gone against their optimism, and just pursued with my own sad plans to end my life. They, too, were once stripped of their dignity, but they made it a point to still retrieve their pride. Now I envy them- I envy their optimism, their courage, their faith, and their hope. I remember my parents, they never doubted me, they helped me instead, I should still be thankful.

Maybe, I would not end my life now. Maybe not now, not me.
Under the silent slumber of the city, I lay awake. Beneath me are the promises of a brighter future that are still in the renewed process. The sound of the moving vehicles, are very audible, but now I could bear with it. The place where I lie is now warm, like the love an infant receives from his mother.

Maybe, the crackling of the ember that still remains to what I call hope should still continue to ignite a new passion. I couldn’t wait for the time to come, the time for me to open a new chapter in life.