Tanikala Isa: Nangangalumbaba at Nakaupo sa Kawalan

Recently, I've started writing in Tagalog.

I don't know if its my own patriotism kicking in or I'm just assuming that Tagalog has a more comic effect than that of the Hurrahs and Hurrays of the English language.

Matagal na akong naghahanap ng isang konkretong kaisipan na maari kong mailathala, mabigyan ng buhay at mabigyan ng identidad. Mahirap nga lang na isipan na kahit na nais mong gawan ng isang magandang prosa ang ganitong bagay ay may nakaisip na nito, or better yet, someone already made the job of making it into a masterpiece.

Buhay nga naman, its really small that you end up seeing it in all its four corners. (Musni, 2010)

Nais ko sanang isulat ang aking pagkapanalo sa wikang aking kinagisnan, ngunit, nawawalan ako ng gana sa gitna ng pagbibigay pugay dito. Its unfair for me not to give myself credit when I know that I deserve it - I have the bragging rights, but its quite stupid for you to brag about when you know that someone might not even take time to read it.

Its like talking to an empty stretch of parchment - it never replies, nor does it give any intentions of making you feel any more better. (Musni, 2010)

Maybe I'll stop now, and maybe, just maybe, mamaya I have something better to write rather than quote on random stuff that I know everyone already knows.

See yah later.

Parang Tanga

Alam niyo ba yung feeling na dapat, you are supposed to do something really, really important, as in yung tipobng fuck yeah important, pero andito ka pa din sa blog mo, nagsusulat, at patuloy ap rin na iniisip kung anong dapat gawin upang magkaroon ka ng ideas that are fresh from the oven.

For the past few days, kulang ang ideas na pumapasok sa utak ko, para inaamag na ata yung dati kong tinatawag na "writing prowess" ko. Nasaan na kaya yun? Hindi naman siguro nagtatago yun sa sulok ng bulok na mundo na pilit tinatakasan ng tao.

To hell with creative ideas. Gawa na lang tayo ng blog, baka sakali may maisip pa tayo. Teka nga, ginagawa ko na pala, para na talaga akong tanga, nauulol, nababaliw, natutulala at parang baliw na aanga-anga sa walang pakundangan na pag-ilaw ng LCD sa aking harapan.

Nakakadismaya ngayon ang aking isip, nawawalan ng kulay, parang balck and white ng digicam, buti nga hindi sepia, mas malala pa nun ang inabot ng utak at pag-iisip ko. Nakakalungkot man isipin na wala na ngang makubuluhang bagay ang napaparito sa aking isipan, ngunit, meron pa din nung mga random moments kung saan, parang poof! may inspiration ka, Yes! makakapagsulat ka nanaman ng isang makabuluhan na tanikala na maaaring ipagmalaki mo.

Oops.

Ang corny pala.

Parang you just have to sigh. Face reality, at pabayaan na maglakad na lamang ang mga daliri sa keyboard ng computer, in hopes na makakatsamba at makakagawa ng tanikalang matagal ko nang hinahanap.

Parang tanga eh, buti naman hindi mas masahol sa gago.

The World As We Know It

The world as we know it ladies and gentlemen, is indeed

a very UNFAIR setting, where

IDIOTS


MORONS

HOOLIGANS

Cant do anything to survive.

The world is not full of glitz and glamour that politicians and celebrities promise us, but its a life that we got to live.

Its a life that would make us tough.

Its a life where we have to let go of a few things to hold on to better ones

Its a life where love can sometimes be the cause of destruction

And its a life that we can run away from

I Really Tried Sleeping With A Broken Heart

It really doesn't feel good at all. Try closing your eyes and you see her face, her smile and everything that she is flashing on rewind and on playback on your mind, like a ballerina on an endless waltz.

I hate this feeling of longing whenever you wanted to tell her that you still want to be the one beside her, yet she ignores and avoids. Its like walking forward to catch up with her, but the space doesn't even close up even a tiny fraction of an inch.

Am I not man enough, nor am I not enough?

I constantly ask myself that silly fucking question if whether I deserve another persons heart; another persons time; and another persons hand.

Maybe its not the same way as I want it to be etched in destiny.

Maybe its meant to be that way.

Maybe its meant that I end up picking up myself from misery while another constantly assures her that she is worth it.

I can not find the assurance of my worth.

I have long been out of the game, the competition for her that I made in my mind.

I have long been the loser, battling against a battle already lost.

But just look my way again, and I'll be more than glad to show you that I more than what I once was, and what he is.

I Love You are only remaining weapons in my arsenal, and I will still fight with this, even though I am all wounded and bruised up.

I Love You, remember that. And no shadow nor lyre can keep me away from that.